Alan complains to Charlie that Jake had access to his computer with a 'saucy' movie, starring his present fling Vanessa. Berta refuses to buy the acidophilus (somehow healthy) milk Alan insists on. Jake's chucked-down skateboard proves a painful obstacle for Charlie everywhere in and around the beach house. Charlie's attractive, classy new neighbor Danielle is filthy rich since her divorce eight years ago, and the marrying kind. When Danielle asks for the same milk, Charlie hopes to match Alan to her so he can be free again, actively Cupid-coaches the romantic moron, and actually gets them dating repeatedly. Danielle admits to Charlie all her relationships failed because once drunk, she becomes a bisexual slut, twisted enough for the ladies-man to chase and steal her himself. After a glass too many, Danielle proposes a trio, but Charlie and Alan refuse.
Danielle: That's okay. Mm... buttery... with a slight citrus finish. Hmm. Ah!
Charlie': So you know wine.
Alan: Okay, Danielle, we'd better get going if we're gonna make that reservation.
Danielle: You're right. Well, thanks for the wine, Charlie.
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, what's the hurry? I was going to make a pitcher of margaritas.
Danielle: Ooh, I love margaritas!
Charlie: Be right back.
Alan: Gee, Danielle, do you really want to sit here and drink with Charlie?
Danielle: Oh, yeah, you're right, Alan. You're a nice guy. You're good for me. Okay, Charlie, we're leaving!
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait, wait! If you don't have time for margaritas, I could mix one up in your mouth.
Alan: Cut it out, Charlie. I know what you 're trying to do.
Charlie: What are you talking about? I'm being a good host.
Alan: You're taking advantage of Danielle.
Charlie: No, no, I respect Danielle for who she is.
Alan: So do I.
Charlie: No, you respect Danielle for who she's pretending to be.
Alan: I don't get ypu-- why did you bother putting us together in the first place?
Charlie: Because I thought she was dull and boring like you. and I had hoped the two of you would go and be dull and boring at her house!
Alan: That was really your plan? That's imsane!
Charlie: It would have worked if she wasn't a drunken slut!
Danielle: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! There is no need to fight over me. Alan, you're a sweet gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig. But I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I have to do you both.
Charlie: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Alan: Thank you for the generous offer, but I'm afraid we must decline.
Danielle: I should have known.Not a pair between you. Well, if either of you change your mind, you know where to find me. (gasps)
Charlie: Okay, you can have her.
Charlie: I can't. I promised Berta I'd get the groceries. You're right. You're always right.
Title quotation from
Alan, as he describes some of a gift basket's items to Danielle.