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Thank God for Scoliosis

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Thank God for Scoliosis
Jake-and-charlie-compete
Season
Episode
12
Airdate
January 12, 2009
Ratings
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Written by
Eddie Gorodetsky & Jim Patterson (story)
Chuck Lorre & Mark Roberts (teleplay)
Directed by
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Co-Starring
Uncredited
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Thank God for Scoliosis is the 12th episode of Season 6. It originally aired on January 12, 2009.

Summary

Alan considers hooking up with his receptionist--until he meets her mother, and Charlie and Jake fight for the affection of a 25-year-old beautiful woman.

Plot

Alan began to sense an attraction between him and his receptionist, Melissa, and it became apparent that the feelings were mutual. This was the same receptionist that was seeing Charlie a few episodes back. Alan and Melissa kissed, but afterwards Alan felt guilty and said that they couldn't do this anymore, and Melissa said, "I'm sorry, I can't help it; I ache for you!" 
Two-half-men140

Back at the house, Alan was watching TV alone when Charlie came in. Charlie wanted to watch football, but Alan wanted his alone time, but Charlie didn't care. Since he wasn't going to get his alone time, Alan decided to ask Charlie for some advice. "I'm conflicted Charlie, do you think you can choose who you love?" Charlie thought Alan was going to come out of the closet. "What's his name?" Charlie asked. He also told him to come out when he's ready. Alan then told him about Melissa, and reminded him that she was the receptionist that he dumped, and in order for him to keep her as his receptionist, he had to give her a raise, health insurance, and a paid vacation. "Melissa and I have great chemistry" Alan admitted to Charlie. Alan told Charlie he faced a moral dilemma which involved an intimate relationship with an employee. Charlie said that he could understand why he was in a dilemma and said that you don't crap where you eat. His suggestion to Alan was that he could fire her then boink her.

Berta found out about Alan and his receptionist, who she referred to as "Tinkerbell with the knockers." When Alan came into the kitchen she said to him, "I heard you're sinking your putts in the company golf course!" Alan seemed embarrassed that Berta knew. She then told him that at some point he will end up with his heart broken if he continues his relationship with his receptionist because those types of relationships never end well.

At work, Alan apologized to Melissa for what happened between them the other day. He told her that he thought it would be unwise for them to succumb to those feelings. Melissa agreed and Alan seemed shocked that she agreed but also a little disappointed. He asked her how his schedule for the day looked and she said he had nothing scheduled for a half hour and that they were wide open. After Alan heard this, he couldn't resist his receptionist and he took advantage of that half hour.

Later, Alan was at home talking to Charlie about what happened. He confessed that they did keep it above the waist, but said that, "My balls look like 2/3 of the blue man group." Alan couldn't take it anymore and had to see Melissa so he went to her house while Jake and Charlie spent some time together.

Charlie took Jake to a bar. This should be no surprise. Jake didn't know why his uncle took him to a bar. Charlie said, "If I have to watch you stuff your face, I'm gonna need a drink." They went to the bar because Jake was hungry and they didn't have anything good at the house for either of them to eat. Jake asked Charlie if he was even allowed to be in a bar. Charlie told him to pretend that he was a homely lesbian. "Why do I have to be homely?" Jake asked.  A young, pretty waitress was taking their orders. She knew Charlie and invited them over to her house so Jake could have a healthy home-cooked meal. Jake turned down the offer and said he would just like a cheeseburger. Charlie couldn't believe that he turned down the waitress' offer, so he said that they would love to come over for dinner. After the waitress left, Charlie asked Jake why he would turn down that offer. Jake said, "Excuse me, but we have no idea what kind of a cook she is!"

At the waitress' house after everyone had finished eating, Jake said, "This is the best dinner ever!" He was totally sucking up to the waitress because he liked her. Charlie said that he was going to take Jake home because it was way past his bedtime, but that he would return once Jake was home. Jake didn't like that idea and said, "You take a cab home, I'm doing great!" Charlie told Jake that that waitress was 10 years older than him, and Jake pointed out that Charlie was about 15 years older than the waitress. At one point Jake called Charlie Grandpa and said that Charlie is too old too poop normal and that he needs to go home to take a laxative. Jake also said that liquor makes Charlie mean. He made sure Janine heard everything he was saying. Charlie didn't seem happy about this at all. Jake threatened to tell Janine (the waitress) that Charlie wanted him to wait in the car by himself so that he could have sex with her. Charlie told Jake that he doesn't know who he's messing with, and Jake said the same thing. They were arguing so much that Charlie got frustrated and said that Jake would have to talk to his father, so he called Alan.

Meanwhile, Alan went to Melissa's house and was kissing her when he met her mother who was a little odd. She asked Alan if he smoked dope and she showed Alan pictures of her giving birth to her children. She told Alan that she popped Melissa out like she was a ping pong ball. She decided to finally leave Alan and Melissa alone. "You kids must be as horny as drunken rabbits!" She was on her way to go sit outside. "I'm just gonna roll a fatty in the backyard and zone out in the hammock" she told Alan and Melissa.

Alan answered the phone, and Jake said that he couldn't talk because he was about to get with an older woman, and he hung up. Alan was very confused. Melissa's mother came back into the house, obviously high, and asked Alan if he would be weirded out by a little mother/daughter tag team.

Later, Jake, Charlie, and Alan were all sitting on the balcony. Alan asked Charlie and Jake what happened, and neither wanted to talk about it. Basically, neither of them got what they wanted from the waitress and they were still mad at each other. Charlie asked Alan what happened with him, and he said he saw pictures of Melissa's mother's vagina and chose to leave before being introduced to the real thing.

Cast

Title quotation from

Alan, to Melissa, just before he learns he has no patients for another 30 minutes.

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