She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
Mark Roberts (story)
Don Foster & Eddie Gorodetsky (teleplay)
Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman named Wanda (Diora Baird) from his bedroom before Chelsea returns from her ex-mother-in-law's funeral; Jake seems to recognize Wanda but doesn't realize that she is a pin-up girl on one of his posters. Meanwhile, Alan won't let Jake drive the car.
Charlie: Wanda, what are you doing here?
Alan: Oh my god, what happened?
Jake: Enough talk, let's get to it.
Charlie: Slowly. Slowly.
Charlie: Quickly. Quickly. Hi, baby. Come on in.
Chelsea: Oh, Charlie. you are so right about Alex.
Charlie: Alex? Oh, yeah. Alex. What a sleazeball. Can I get you something to drink?
Chelsea: No. I just want to get in bed and hold you.
Charlie: Oh, boy, does that sound good. Let me just say good night to Jake.
Chelsea: Okay. I'll meet you upstairs.
Charlie: You know what? Why don't you come say good night, too?
Charlie: Well, you're my girlfriend, and he's my nephew, and... isn't that enough? Hey, Jake...
Jake: You might want to hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
Jake: I farted. Sorry. I get the fancy words from my dad.
Charlie: Anyway, Chelsea and I just wanted to say good night.
Charlie: He keeps his feelings bottled up. Everything else he shoots into the atmosphere.
Alan: Hi, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Hi, Alan.
Alan: Uh, sorry to hear about your ex-mother-in-law.
Chelsea: Oh, thank you.
Alan: Oh, hey, Jake. Uh, I could really use for help.
Jake': Of what?
Alan: I'm taking out the... whew! I'm taking out the trash.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Alan: The trash. I'm taking it out, and I could use your help carrying it.
Jake: Oh. So now you want my help?
Alan: Yes, now I want your help.
Jake: What about the 20 bucks you owe me?
Jake: Is the trash still out where you can see it?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go help your father.
Alan: Nice seeing you, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Good night.
Jake: I could have said 50, couldn't I?
Alan: You could have said a hundred.
Chelsea: Can we please go to bed now?
Charlie: Beds are for amateurs.
Chelsea: Oh, Charlie.
Chelsea: What if Jake comes back?
Charlie: We'll breathe through our mouths.
Jake: She really does look familiar.
Alan: Terrific. Just don't drop her.
Jake: I can't wait to tell my friends about this.
Alan; You're not telling anybody about this.
Jake: What's the point of doing it if I can't tell anybody?
Alan: You've got 20 bucks and a memory. Now shut up. Okay, we've got to get her in the car.
Jake: You want me to pull it around?
Alan: No, I don't want you to pull it around!
Jake: Okay, well, then, you pull it around, I'll stay here with her.
Alan: Be very careful.
Chelsea (off-screen): Come on, let's finish this upstairs.
Alan: Move, move, move!
Charlie: Chelsea, wait.
Charlie: I'm so happy you're back.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan. Is the trash out?
Alan: Uh, almost.
Charlie: Almost ain't gonna cut it. Did you at least clean out my room?
Alan: Yes, I did.
Charlie: Good. Good. Okay, well, good night.
Alan: Uh, Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec?
Charlie: About what?
Alan: Um... uh, recycling. I'm not quite sure what to do with the... big jugs.
Charlie: Oh. Honey, why don't you go up and get comfortable and I'll be right there?
Charlie: I will. Okay, first you need to separate the plastic from the glass. Then when you get to the newspaper... What the hell is your problem?
Alan: She's in Jake's room. What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: I don't know. Here's my credit card. Take her to a hotel or something.
Alan: Okay. Chain motel or someplace nicer?
Alan: You know, uh, room service, ocean view. she won't feel so cheap. Plus, in the nicer places, you have free coffee and breakfast. Assorted pastries, coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice...
Charlie: I know what a continental breakfast is! Just get the hell out of here.
Alan: Okay, fine.
Alan: Oh, Charlie.
Alan: I'm a little low on gas.
Charlie: Use the card!
Alan: Right, right, right.
Alan: I'm really happy you're trying to make it work with Chelsea.
Alan: What the hell are you doing?
Jake: You said I could have a memory. This is it.
Alan: Give me the phone.
Jake: Oh, good idea. I can't get us both in the frame. Can you make it look like we're talking to each other?
Alan: Forget the picture. We have to bring the car around.
Jake: Shouldn't someone stay here with Wanda?
Alan: Yeah, but it shouldn't be you.
Alan: One ding, one scratch, and you're dead.
Jake: Dude, mellow out. or You'll give yourself a heart attack.
Charlie: I'm glad you came back. I don't like it when you're gone.
Chelsea: I don't like it when I'm gone, either.
Wanda: Oh. Here they are.
Charlie: Funny story.
Alan: All right, you take her head and I'll take her feet.
Jake: Why do you get to take her feet?
Alan: Because I'm in charge of this operation and I like feet.
Jake: I guess we don't have to take her to a hotel, huh?
Alan: No, we don't. Quick get in the car.
Jake: Where we going?
Alan: Anywhere we want. We've got Uncle Charlie's credit card.
Charlie, to Chelsea, when she interrupts the basketball game they are watching.
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