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Run, Steven Staven! Run!
S10E14
Season
Episode
14
Airdate
January 31, 2013
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Written by
Chuck Lorre, Jim Patterson and Susan McMartin (story)
Don Reo, Eddie Gorodetsky and Steve Tompkins (teleplay)
Directed by
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Run, Steven Staven! Run! is the 14th episode of season 10. It aired on January 31, 2013.

Plot

After Lyndsey waits outside the beach house for an hour before Alan gets home (forcing her to urinate in the shrubs), she gets upset with Alan when he refuses to give her a key to the house. Alan reasons that he cannot give her a key because the house belongs to Walden. When Alan goes to apologize, he discovers that she is going on a date with her gynecologist, Steven Staven (Willie Garson). Meanwhile, Walden is despondent over his breakup with Kate and Billy gets dumped by Walden's ex-wife Bridget. They also run into Herb, who reveals that Judith left him after she caught him cheating on her with his receptionist. The four, bonding over their relationships-gone-bad, go for a night out without picking up any women. While in the hot tub at Herb's place, Walden, Billy and Herb ridicule Alan's reason for leaving Lyndsey, and encourage him to get her back, as he is the only one of the group who has a chance. Walden has no problem with her having a key, and Alan admits he really just wanted some occasional space from Lyndsey. With help from the others, who grab Steven, Alan gives Lyndsey a key and confesses that while she can do better than him, he cannot do better than her. The two reconcile. Steven reveals to the others that it would not have worked out with him and Lyndsey anyway, and they end up running from a rottweiler, leaving Herb behind.

Cast

Quotes

  • Lyndsey: Nothing to talk about.
  • Alan: Oh, yeah, right. Like a woman is ever done... She's mad at me.
  • Herb: They're hot when, they're angry, aren't they?
  • Alan: Oh, Herb. Geez, you scared me.
  • Herb: Little trouble in paradise?
  • Alan: Oh, yeah, you know, relationships...
  • Herb: Hey, want to come across the street for a beer and talk about it?
  • Alan: Oh, sure. Thanks. So, uh what are you doing over here anyway?
  • Herb: Oh, just seeing if Lyndsey's coming out for her 6:15 jog.
  • Alan: Oh, you jog with her?
  • Herb: No.
  • (At Judith & Herb's House)
  • Alan: Oh, you know, I don't think Judith is going to be, too happy to see me.
  • Herb: Oh, don't worry. She's gone.
  • Alan: Okay, when you say "gone"  do you mean she's travelng, or is her head in that cooler
  • Herb: She left me, Al.
  • Alan: Oh, my God, what happened?
  • Herb: Yeah, I had a moment of weakness with my  receptionist. Actually, 36 and a half moments of weakness.
  • Alan: Uh, a half?
  • Herb: Judith walked in during 37.
  • Alan: Herb, how could you?
  • Herb: This is my receptionist.
  • Alan: I would have finished 37 while she was watching.

  • Billy: Hey, man, thanks for inviting me over. I really appreciate it.
  • Walden: Ah, come one, you'd do the same thing for me.
  • Billy: We both know that's not true. but ut's sweet of you to say.
  • Walden: And besides, breakups are like a bruise, and I want to be there when yours turns from dark purple to yellow.
  • Billy: That is the meanest thing you've ever said. Kudos. Okay, here's a question: who's your dream schtupp?
  • Walden: What?
  • Billy: Any woman in the world, one night, who's it going to be?
  • Walden: Oh, that's easy: Kate.
  • Billy: Oh, see, right there. That's why I wouldn't have you over. Who picks their ex-girlfriends? I mean, I'm talking any woman in the world.
  • Walden: Okay, dead or alive?
  • Billy: (scoffs) It doesn't matter.
  • Walden: Do I have to know her?
  • Billy: Nope.
  • Walden: What if she doesn't like me?
  • Billy: I... for the love of God. In the game she has to like you.
  • Walden: Okay. Can she be animated?
  • Billy: Like a-like a cartoon? What? You want to be chomped by Ms. Paceman?
  • Walden: No, but I always had these werid feelings when I used to see Bugs Bunny in drag.
  • Billy: Fine, she can be animated.
  • Walden: Her place or mine?
  • Billy: Who cares?
  • Walden: I do. It's hard for me to relax in strange surroundings.
  • Billy: Okay, you know what? Just forget it.
  • Walden: But-but I didn't pick a girl.
  • Billy: Just shut up. You ruin everything.
  • Walden: Mother Teresa.
  • Billy: What?!
  • Walden: That woman gave her whole life for the benefit of mankind. And one man should give her a little something back.
  • Alan: Hey guys.
  • Walden: Hey!
  • Billy: Oh, hey. Hi. Oh, Alan's girlfriend is taller than I would have thought.
  • Alan: Herb, uh, you remember Walden. This is Billy.
  • Herb: Oh. Hello, Billy. Alan tells me you got, uh, dumped by Walden's ex-wife. Yeah. I got dumped by Alan's ex-wife. I guess that makes us dump brothers.
  • Billy (laughing): That's uh...  Who is this guy?
  • Walden: You don't recognize your own dump brother?
  • Alan: Herb is the most recent victim  of Judith's unrelenting assault on mankind.
  • Billy: Oh, it sounds like just the kind of horrible ball-breaker I always end up with.
  • Walden: Hm-hmm.
  • Billy: She available?
  • Herb: Not emotionally.
  • Alan: And she's only physically available twice a year.
  • Herb: Twice.
  • Alan: Uh, birthdays and Valentine's Day.
  • Herb: Oh, that explains it. My birthday's on Valentine's Day.
  • Walden: I thought you were going to see Lyndsey.
  • Alan: I did... right as she was going out on a date.
  • Billy: Gut-punch.
  • Walden: Yikes.
  • Herb: With her gynecologist.
  • Walden: Shut up!
  • Alan: What?
  • Billy: That man is a trained vagina handler. You do not want him down there.
  • Alan: He-He's already been down there.
  • Walden: Yeah, on business. You don't want him to return on a pleasure cruise.
  • Billy: I mean, I mean, he could take apart and reassemble her undercarriage blindfold.
  • Herb: You're more like a guy trying to put a bookshelf together from IKEA.
  • Alan: Well, you know what? I don't care. I don't need her.
  • Billy: That's a good attitude.
  • Walden: Hm-hmm.
  • Herb: Exactly, Who needs women?
  • Billy: Not me.
  • Walden: Me, neither.
  • Alan: Uh-uh.
  • Walden: Know what we should do?
  • Billy: Go to a bar and pick up some women?
  • Alan & Walden: Yup.

  • Alan: (sighs) I don't know what the problem is.This is delighteul. Oh! Oh, boy.
  • Lyndsey: Alan?
  • Alan: Oh Lyndsey. Lyndsey, hi Hi. I-I just need two minutes.
  • Lyndsey: Were you peeing in my bushes?
  • Alan: What? No. No. Hi. I'm, uh... I'm Alan Harper.
  • Dr. Steven Staven: No thanks.
  • Lyndsey: Alan, this is not a good time.
  • Alan: Okay, just-just hear me out, okay?
  • Dr. Steven Staven: Look, she said this wasn't a good time.
  • Walden: Get him!
  • Alan: Whoa, whoa.
  • Lyndsey: Walden, what are you doing?
  • Dr. Steven Staven: Hey, put me down.
  • Walden: You'll thank us later.
  • Dr. Steven Staven: What are you doing? Put me down. Who are you?
  • Herb: You look lovely, Lyndsey.
  • Lyndsey: What the hell is going on?
  • Alan: I swear I had nothing to do with this?
  • Lyndsey: What why did they just take my date away?
  • Alan: Don't worry I-I think they just want to help.
  • Lyndsey: Help of what?

  • Walden: Sorry about kidnapping you.
  • Steven Staven: Ah, don't worry about it. It was never gonna work with Lyndsey and me. Outside of her vagina, we have nothing in common.
  • Herb: Doctor, an I ask you a medical question? Is it beautiful?
  • Walden: Herb. Sorry about that, Dr. Staven.
  • Steven Staven: Oh, please, call me Steven.
  • Walden: Well, Steven Staven?
  • Steven Staven: It's made, a stronger person.
  • Herb: You know, you wear that robe better than Judith ever did.
  • Billy: Really? I feel boxy.
  • Herb: No, no.
  • (Dog barks)
  • Billy: What was that?
  • (Dog growling)
  • Walden: Uh-oh.
  • Billy: Oh, crap.
  • Walden: Run, Steven Staven! Run!
  • (Herb, Billy, Steven & Walden are running in the sidewalk)
  • Herb: Oh, wait!
  • Billy: Herb's down!
  • Walden: Leave him!
  • Herb: Oh, dear God, help me! Tell Lyndsey I love her!

Title quotation from

Walden, as he, Steven, Herb and Billy flee from a rottweiler.

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Season 2
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