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Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
S03E02
Season
Episode
2
Airdate
September 26, 2005
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Written by
Eddie Gorodetsky & Susan Beavers
Directed by
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Uncredited
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Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover is the 2nd episode of Season 3. It originally aired on September 26, 2005.

Summary

Alan has to lobby the principal to keep Jake from getting expelled, while Charlie is left to manage the chiropractic office for the day.

Plot

Alan is fed up with Charlie after he doesn't pick up Jake from school after he gets in trouble. Having drawn a dirty picture of a large breasted girl in his class named Barbra. Charlie, despite not being able to recall a time where he was there for him, insists that Alan can count on him, and asks for a chance to make it up to him. Taking him up on the offer, Alan asks Charlie to fill in for his sick secretary at his office while he goes to talk to the Principal at Jake's school.

Charlie is surprised by how boring Alan's daily routine is as they sit in gridlock. Alan takes Charlie to his clinic and tells him how to be a secretary for the day. Later after Alan leaves, an extremely attractive women comes in asking to be interviewed for the masseuse position. Charlie hires her on the spot, and when she has sex with a customer and Charlie gets paid, he has an idea...

At Jake's school, Alan meets Barbra's mother, Mindy who is very well endowed herself. Unfortunately all his attempts to appear sympathetic to well endowed women have the opposite effect, and things only get worse when he meets Principal Gallagher.

Alan returns from Jake's school at the end of the day, and finds that Charlie has turned his clinic into a brothel. With attractive lady masseuses having sex with his patients, and Charlie making a boat load of money.

On their way home Alan and Charlie sit stuck in gridlock. Alan explains that Jake has been suspended for a week. Meanwhile Principal Gallagher's gay lover is more than likely going to give Alan a visit and beat him up. Charlie tells him to lighten up, saying he could use a massage as he comes up with an idea for running a "massage" business on the trunk of his car.

Cast

Quotes

  • Mindy: Let me tell you something. Puberty is hard enough for a young girl without having to be leered at and made fun of by obnoxious little boys.
    Alan: I couldn't agree with you more. And I can assure you that I have had a long talk with Jake about it is to objectify women's...
    stares down at her breasts
    Mindy: Up here. I'm up here.
    Alan: I know. I know. I see you. A-A-And let me tell you something.There is no one more sympathetic than I to the plight of the large-breasted woman.
    Mindy: "Plight"? It's not an affliction.
    Alan: Well, no, not the breasts themselves, but the attendant back problems associated with carrying the enormous load.
    Mindy: So now my breasts are a "load"?
    Alan: From a strictly engineering standpoint, yes. See-see, I am a chiropractor, and I deal with and heartache of MMS all the time.
    Mindy:MMS?
    Alan: Massive Mammary Syndrone. It's a term I coined in an article I submitted to the journal of the American Chiropractic Association. It hasn't really caught on. Anyway, MMS is particularly acute among strippers, but they bring it on themselves with those humongous implants. Yours, on the other hand, appear quite natural. God-given, am I right?
    Mindy: What the hell is wrong with you?
    Alan: I don't know. I was a bottle baby.
    Stares at her breasts but quickly turns away to avoid being caught
    Alan: I am really sorry.
    Mindy: Just drop it.
    Alan: You know, in my defense... well, in defense of all men, we do live in a mammo-centric society.
    Mindy: Mammo-centric?
    Alan: Another coinage of mine. Hasn't really permeated the cultural zeltgeist.Stares at her breasts
    Mindy: Hey bottle baby. I'm up here!
    Alan: That-that perfectly illustrates my points... point. From the moment we are born, we are basically bombarded by breasts. Breasts in advertising, breasts in television, breasts in movies. Here a breast, there a breast, everywhere a breast, breast... Heck, you can understand the fixation.
    Mindy: You're a horrible little man.
    Alan: OK, OK, I had hoped that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, but if we're going to just degenerate into name-calling, perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide what a reasonable punishment for my son would be.
    Mindy: Fine. We'll let the Principal decide.
    Alan: OK.
    Principal Gallagher: I'm Principal Gallagher.
    Alan: (shocked to see she has big breasts) Oh God, my son's gonna get the chair.

Title quotation from

Alan, naming a female who may come round to kick his ass later that night.

Two and a Half Men Episodes
Season 1
PilotBig Flappy BastardsGo East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of HellIf I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A NapThe Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A HumpDid You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys?If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually FakeTwenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-fulPhase One, CompleteMerry ThanksgivingAlan Harper, Frontier ChiropractorCamel Filters And PheromonesSarah Like Puny AlanI Can't Afford HyenasRound One To The Hot Crazy ChickThat Was Saliva, AlanAte The Hamburgers, Wearing The HatsAn Old Flame With A New WickI Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember YouHey, I Can Pee Outside In The DarkNo Sniffing, No WowingMy Doctor Has A Cow PuppetJust Like BuffaloCan You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
Back Off, Mary PoppinsEnjoy Those Garlic BallsA Bag Full of JaweaGo Get Mommy's BraBad News from the ClinicThe Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal VigilanceA Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in FontanaFrankenstein and the Horny VillagersYes, MonsignorThe Salmon Under My SweaterLast Chance to See Those TattoosA Lungful of AlanZejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My HairThose Big Pink Things With CoconutsSmell the Umbrella StandCan You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!It Was Mame, MomA Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping NoiseI Always Wanted a Shaved MonkeyA Sympathetic Crotch to Cry OnThat Old Hose Bag Is My MotherSquab, Squab, Squab, Squab, SquabDoes This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic GymnastsPrincipal Gallagher's Lesbian LoverCarpet Burns and a Bite MarkYour Dismissive Attitude Toward BoobsWe Called It Mr. PinkyHi, Mr. Horned OneSleep Tight, Puddin' PopThat Voodoo That I Do DoMadame and Her Special FriendSomething Salted and TwistedSanta's Village of the DamnedThat Special TugHumiliation is a Visual MediumLove Isn't Blind, It's RetardedMy Tongue Is MeatErgo, The Booty CallThe Unfortunate Little SchnauserThe Spit-Covered CobblerGolly Moses, She's a MuffinAlways a Bridesmaid, Never a BurroAnd the Plot MoistensJust Once With Aunt SophieArguments for the QuickieThat Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
Working for CaligulaWho's Vod Kanockers?The Sea is a Harsh MistressA Pot Smoking MonkeyA Live Woman of Proven FertilityApologies for the FrivolityRepeated Blows to His Unformed HeadRelease the DogsCorey's Been Dead for an HourKissing Abraham LincolnWalnuts and DemerolCastrating Sheep in MontanaDon't Worry, Speed RacerThat's Summer Sausage, Not SalamiMy Damn StalkerYoung People Have Phlegm TooI Merely Slept with a CommieIt Never Rains in HootervilleSmooth as a Ken DollAunt Myra Doesn't Pee a LotTucked, Taped and GorgeousMr. McGlue's FeedbagAnteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and MomMedia Room Slash DungeonDum Diddy Dum Diddy DooCity of Great RacksPutting Swim Fins on a CatHelp Daddy Find His ToenailThe Leather Gear Is in the Guest RoomIs There a Mrs. Waffles?Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar LidsKinda Like NecrophiliaMeander to Your DanderA Little Clammy and None Too FreshThe Soil is MoistWinky-Dink TimeRough Night in Hump JunctionLook at Me, Mommy, I'm PrettyFish in a DrawerIf My Hole Could TalkWaiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
Taterhead is Our Love ChildPie Hole, HerbDamn You, Eggs BenedictThe Flavin' and the Mavin'A Jock Strap In HellIt's Always Nazi WeekBest H.O. Money Can BuyPinocchio's MouthThe Mooch At The BooHe Smelled The Ham, He Got ExcitedThe Devil's LubeThank God for ScoliosisI Think You Offended DonDavid Copperfield Slipped Me a RoofieI'd Like to Start with the CatShe'll Still Be Dead at HalftimeThe 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?My Son's Enormous HeadThe Two Finger RuleHello, I am Alan CousteauAbove Exalted CyclopsSir Lancelot's Litter BoxGood Morning, Mrs. ButterworthBaseball Was Better With Steroids
Season 7
818-jklpuzoWhipped Unto The Third GenerationMmm, fish. Yum.Laxative Tester, Horse InseminatorFor The Sake of The ChildGive Me Your ThumbUntainted by FilthGorp. Fnark. Schmegle.Captain Terry's Spray-On HairThat's Why They Call It "Ball Room"Warning, It's DirtyFart Jokes, Pie and CelesteYay, No Polyps!Crude and Uncalled ForAye, Aye, Captain DoucheTinkle Like a PrincessI Found Your MoustacheIxnay On The Oggie DayKeith Moon Is Vomiting In His GraveI Called Him MagooGumby with a PokeyThis Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named BudA Bottle of Wine and a JackhammerA Pudding-Filled CactusHookers, Hookers, HookersThe Immortal Mr. Billy JoelTwanging Your Magic ClangerThe Crazy Bitch GazetteSpringtime on a StickA Good Time in Central AfricaOw, Ow, Don't StopDead from the Waist DownChocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's DeadSkunk, Dog Crap and KetchupLookin' for Japanese SubsThree Hookers and a Philly CheesesteakThat Darn Priest
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden SchmidtPeople Who Love PeepholesBig Girls Don't Throw FoodNine Magic FingersA Giant Cat Holding a ChurroThe Squat and the HoverThose Fancy Japanese ToiletsThank You For The IntercourseFrodo's HeadshotsA Fishbowl Full of Glass EyesWhat A Lovely Landing StripOne False Move, Zimbabwe!Slowly and In A Circular FashionA Possum on ChemoThe Duchess of Dull-in-SackSips, Sonnets and SodomyNot In My Mouth!The War Against GingivitisPalmdale, EchGrandma's PieMr. Hose Says "Yes"Why We Gave Up WomenThe Straw In My Donut HoleOh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the MilkA Big Bag of DogFour Balls, Two Bats and One MittYou Do Know What The Lollipop Is ForThat's Not What They Call It In AmsterdamFerrets, Attack!Avoid The Chinese MustardSomething My Gynecologist SaidI Scream When I PeeOne Nut JohnsonGive Santa a Tail-HoleWelcome to AlancrestGrab A Feather And Get In LineRun, Steven Staven! Run!Paint It, Pierce It or Plug ItAdvantage: Fat, Flying BabyThrogwarten Middle School MysteriesThe 9:04 From PembertonBig Episode. Someone Stole A SpoonBazinga! That's From a TV ShowAnother Night With Neil DiamondMy Bodacious VidaliaCows, Prepare to be Tipped
Season 11
NangnangnangnangI Think I Banged Lucille BallThis Unblessed BiscuitClank, Clank, Drunken SkankAlan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003Justice in Star-Spangled Hot PantsSome Kind of Lesbian ZombieMr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.Numero Uno Accidente LawyerOn Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!Tazed In The Lady NutsBaseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.Bite Me, Supreme CourtThree Fingers of Crème de MentheCab Fare and a Bottle of PenicillinHow to Get Rid of Alan HarperWelcome Home, JakeWest Side StoryLan Mao Shi Zai Wuding ShangLotta Delis in Little ArmeniaDial 1-900-Mix-A-LotOh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
The Ol' Mexican SpinachA Chic Bar in IbizaGlamping in a YurtThirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-EightOontz, Oontz, OontzAlan Shot a Little GirlSex With an Animated Ed AsnerFamily, Bublé, Deep-Fried TurkeyBouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, LyndseyHere I Come, Pants!For Whom the Booty CallsA Beer-Battered Rip-OffBoompa Loved His HookersDon't Give a Monkey a GunOf Course He's Dead

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