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List of Two and a Half Men Episodes

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Following is an episode list for the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men.

As of February 19, 2015, 262 episodes have aired, concluding the series of Two and a Half Men.

Every episode's title is a phrase said by one of the characters in that episode.

The three exceptions are the pilot episode and the episodes "Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor" and "Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers". The latter episode does fit the criterion, but the quote was part of a deleted scene which Chuck Lorre explains in the episode's vanity card.

The episode "Chocolate Diddlers, or My Puppy's Dead" is also not a direct quote; Charlie sings his song called "Chocolate Diddlers", while Alan suggests it sounds more like "My Puppy's Dead". The episode title's offering up a suggestion to which of the two titles the song could be called.

Series Overview

Season Episodes Originally aired
Season premiere Season finale
1 24 September 22, 2003 May 24, 2004
2 24 September 20, 2004 May 23, 2005
3 24 September 19, 2005 May 22, 2006
4 24 September 18, 2006 May 14, 2007
5 19 September 24, 2007 May 19, 2008
6 24 September 22, 2008 May 18, 2009
7 22 September 21, 2009 May 24, 2010
8 16 September 20, 2010 February 14, 2011
9 24 September 19, 2011 May 14, 2012
10 23 September 27, 2012 May 9, 2013
11 22 September 26, 2013 May 8, 2014
12 16 October 30, 2014 February 19, 2015

Season 1: 2003 – 2004

Main article: Season 1
Title Original Airdate #
Pilot September 22, 2003 1 - 101
Big Flappy Bastards September 29, 2003 2 - 102
Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell October 6, 2003 3 - 103
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap October 13, 2003 4 - 104
Last Thing You Want Is To Wind Up With A Hump October 20, 2003 5 - 105
Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? October 27, 2003 6 - 106
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake November 3, 2003 7 - 107
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful November 11, 2003 8 - 108
Phase One, Complete November 17, 2003 9 - 109
Merry Thanksgiving November 24, 2003 10 - 110
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor December 15, 2003 11 - 111
Camel Filters And Pheromones January 5, 2004 12 - 112
Sarah Like Puny Alan January 12, 2004 13 - 113
I Can't Afford Hyenas February 2, 2004 14 - 114
Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick February 9, 2004 15 - 115
That Was Saliva, Alan February 16, 2004 16 - 116
Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats February 23, 2004 17 - 117
An Old Flame With A New Wick March 1, 2004 18 - 118
I Remember The Coat Room, I Just Don't Remember You March 22, 2004 19 - 119
Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark April 19, 2004 20 - 120
No Sniffing, No Wowing May 3, 2004 21 - 121
My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet May 10, 2004 22 - 122
Just Like Buffalo May 17, 2004 23 - 123
Can You Feel My Finger? May 24, 2004 24 - 124

Season 2: 2004 – 2005

Main article: Season 2
Title Original Airdate #
Back Off, Mary Poppins September 20, 2004 25 - 201
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls September 27, 2004 26 - 202
A Bag Full of Jawea October 4, 2004 27 - 203
Go Get Mommy's Bra October 11, 2004 28 - 204
Bad News from the Clinic October 18, 2004 29 - 205
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance October 25, 2004 30 - 206
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana November 8, 2004 31 - 207
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers November 15, 2004 32 - 208
Yes, Monsignor November 22, 2004 33 - 209
The Salmon Under My Sweater November 29, 2004 34 - 210
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos December 13, 2004 35 - 211
A Lungful of Alan January 3, 2005 36 - 212
Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair January 17, 2005 37 - 213
Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts January 31, 2005 38 - 214
Smell the Umbrella Stand February 7, 2005 39 - 215
Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? February 14, 2005 40 - 216
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! February 21, 2005 41 - 217
It Was Mame, Mom March 7, 2005 42 - 218
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise March 21, 2005 43 - 219
I Always Wanted A Shaved Monkey April 18, 2005 44 - 220
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On May 2, 2005 45 - 221
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother May 9, 2005 46 - 222
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab May 16, 2005 47 - 223
Does This Smell Funny to You? May 23, 2005 48 - 224

Season 3: 2005 – 2006

Main article: Season 3
Title Original Airdate #
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts September 19, 2005 49 - 301
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover September 26, 2005 50 - 302
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark October 3, 2005 51 - 303
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs October 10, 2005 52 - 304
We Called It Mr. Pinky October 17, 2005 53 - 305
Hi, Mr. Horned One October 24, 2005 54 - 306
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop November 7, 2005 55 - 307
That Voodoo That I Do Do November 14, 2005 56 - 308
Madame and Her Special Friend November 21, 2005 57 - 309
Something Salted and Twisted November 28, 2005 58 - 310
Santa's Village of the Damned December 19, 2005 59 - 311
That Special Tug January 9, 2006 60 - 312
Humiliation is a Visual Medium January 23, 2006 61 - 313
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded February 6, 2006 62 - 314
My Tongue Is Meat February 27, 2006 63 - 315
Ergo, The Booty Call March 6, 2006 64 - 316
The Unfortunate Little Schnauser March 13, 2006 65 - 317
The Spit-Covered Cobbler March 20, 2006 66 - 318
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin April 10, 2006 67 - 319
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro April 24, 2006 68 - 320
And the Plot Moistens May 1, 2006 69 - 321
Just Once With Aunt Sophie May 8, 2006 70 - 322
Arguments for the Quickie May 15, 2006 71 - 323
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite May 22, 2006 72 - 324

Season 4: 2006 – 2007

Main article: Season 4
Title Original Airdate #
Working for Caligula September 18, 2006 73 - 401
Who's Vod Kanockers? September 25, 2006 74 - 402
The Sea is a Harsh Mistress October 2, 2006 75 - 403
A Pot Smoking Monkey October 9, 2006 76 - 404
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility October 16, 2006 77 - 405
Apologies for the Frivolity October 23, 2006 78 - 406
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head November 6, 2006 79 - 407
Release the Dogs November 13, 2006 80 - 408
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour November 20, 2006 81 - 409
Kissing Abraham Lincoln November 27, 2006 82 - 410
Walnuts and Demerol December 11, 2006 83 - 411
Castrating Sheep in Montana January 8, 2007 84 - 412
Don't Worry, Speed Racer January 22, 2007 85 - 413
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami February 5, 2007 86 - 414
My Damn Stalker February 12, 2007 87 - 415
Young People Have Phlegm Too February 19, 2007 88 - 416
I Merely Slept with a Commie February 26, 2007 89 - 417
It Never Rains in Hooterville March 19, 2007 90 - 418
Smooth as a Ken Doll April 9, 2007 91 - 419
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot April 16, 2007 92 - 420
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous April 23, 2007 93 - 421
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag April 30, 2007 94 - 422
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' May 7, 2007 95 - 423
Prostitutes and Gelato May 14, 2007 96 - 424

Season 5: 2007 - 2008

Main article: Season 5

Title Original Airdate #
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom September 24, 2007 97 - 501
Media Room Slash Dungeon October 1, 2007 98 - 502
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo October 8, 2007 99 - 503
City of Great Racks October 15, 2007 100 - 504
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat October 22, 2007 101 - 505
Help Daddy Find His Toenail October 29, 2007 102 - 506
The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room November 5, 2007 103 - 507
Is There a Mrs. Waffles? November 12, 2007 104 - 508
Tight's Good November 19, 2007 105 - 509
Kinda Like Necrophilia November 26, 2007 106 - 510
Meander to Your Dander March 17, 2008 107 - 511
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh March 24, 2008 108 - 512
The Soil is Moist March 31, 2008 109 - 513
Winky-Dink Time April 14, 2008 110 - 514
Rough Night in Hump Junction April 21, 2008 111 - 515
Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty April 28, 2008 112 - 516
Fish in a Drawer May 5, 2008 113 - 517
If My Hole Could Talk May 12, 2008 114 - 518
Waiting for the Right Snapper May 19, 2008 115 - 519

Season 6: 2008 – 2009

Main article: Season 6
Title Original Airdate #
Taterhead is Our Love Child September 22, 2008 116 - 601
Pie Hole, Herb September 29, 2008 117 - 602
Damn You, Eggs Benedict October 6, 2008 118 - 603
The Flavin' and the Mavin October 13, 2008 119 - 604
A Jock Strap In Hell October 20, 2008 120 - 605
It's Always Nazi Week November 3, 2008 121 - 606
Best H.O. Money Can Buy November 10, 2008 122 - 607
Pinocchio's Mouth November 17, 2008 123 - 608
The Mooch At The Boo November 24, 2008 124 - 609
He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited December 8, 2008 125 - 610
The Devil's Lube December 15, 2008 126 - 611
Thank God for Scoliosis January 12, 2009 127 - 612
I Think You Offended Don January 19, 2009 128 - 613
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie February 2, 2009 129 - 614
I'd Like to Start with the Cat February 9, 2009 130 - 615
She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime March 2, 2009 131 - 616
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? March 9, 2009 132 - 617
My Son's Enormous Head March 16, 2009 133 - 618
The Two Finger Rule March 30, 2009 134 - 619
Hello, I am Alan Cousteau April 13, 2009 135 - 620
Above Exalted Cyclops April 27, 2009 136 - 621
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box May 4, 2009 137 - 622
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth May 11, 2009 138 - 623
Baseball Was Better With Steroids May 18, 2009 139 - 624

Season 7: 2009 – 2010

Main article: Season 7
Title Original Airdate #
818-jklpuzo September 21, 2009 140 - 701
Whipped Unto The Third Generation September 28, 2009 141 - 702
Mmm, fish. Yum. October 5, 2009 142 - 703
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator October 12, 2009 143 - 704
For The Sake of The Child October 19, 2009 144 - 705
Give Me Your Thumb November 2, 2009 145 - 706
Untainted by Filth November 9, 2009 146 - 707
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. November 16, 2009 147 - 708
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair November 23, 2009 148 - 709
That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" December 7, 2009 149 - 710
Warning, It's Dirty December 14, 2009 150 - 711
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste January 11, 2010 151 - 712
Yay, No Polyps! January 18, 2010 152 - 713
Crude and Uncalled For February 1, 2010 153 - 714
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche February 8, 2010 154 - 715
Tinkle Like a Princess March 1, 2010 155 - 716
I Found Your Moustache March 8, 2010 156 - 717
Ixnay On The Oggie Day March 22, 2010 157 - 718
Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave April 12, 2010 158 - 719
I Called Him Magoo May 10, 2010 159 - 720
Gumby with a Pokey May 17, 2010 160 - 721
This Is Not Gonna End Well May 23, 2010 161 - 722

Season 8: 2010 – 2011

Main article: Season 8
Title Original Airdate #
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud September 20, 2010 162 - 801
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer September 27, 2010 163 - 802
A Pudding-Filled Cactus October 4, 2010 164 - 803
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers October 11, 2010 165 - 804
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel October 18, 2010 166 - 805
Twanging Your Magic Clanger October 25, 2010 167 - 806
The Crazy Bitch Gazette November 1, 2010 168 - 807
Springtime on a Stick November 8, 2010 169 - 808
A Good Time in Central Africa November 15, 2010 170 - 809
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop November 22, 2010 171 - 810
Dead from the Waist Down December 6, 2010 172 - 811
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead December 13, 2010 173 - 812
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup January 3, 2011 174 - 813
Lookin' for Japanese Subs January 17, 2011 175 - 814
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak February 7, 2011 176 - 815
That Darn Priest February 14, 2011 177 - 816

Season 9: 2011 – 2012

Main article: Season 9
Title Original Airdate #
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt September 19, 2011 178 - 901
People Who Love Peepholes September 26, 2011 179 - 902
Big Girls Don't Throw Food October 3, 2011 180 - 903
Nine Magic Fingers October 10, 2011 181 - 904
A Giant Cat Holding A Churro October 17, 2011 182 - 905
The Squat and the Hover October 24, 2011 183 - 906
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets October 31, 2011 184 - 907
Thanks for the Intercourse November 7, 2011 185 - 908
Frodo's Headshots November 14, 2011 186 - 909
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes November 21, 2011 187 - 910
What A Lovely Standing Strip December 5, 2011 188 - 911
One False Move, Zimbabwe! December 12, 2011 189 - 912
Slowly, And In A Circular Fashion January 2, 2012 190 - 913
A Possum on Chemo January 16, 2012 191 - 914
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack February 6, 2012 192 - 915
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy February 13, 2012 193 - 916
Not In My Mouth! February 20, 2012 194 - 917
The War Against Gingivitis February 27, 2012 195 - 918
Palmdale, Ech March 19, 2012 196 - 919
Grandma's Pie April 9, 2012 197 - 920
Mr. Hose Says "Yes" April 16, 2012 198 - 921
Why We Gave Up Women April 30, 2012 199 - 922
The Straw In My Donut Hole May 7, 2012 200 - 923
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda! May 14, 2012 201 - 924

Season 10: 2012 – 2013

Main article: Season 10
Title Original Airdate #
I Changed My Mind About the Milk September 27, 2012 202 - 1001
A Big Bag of Dog October 4, 2012 203 - 1002
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt October 11, 2012 204 - 1003
You Know What The Lollipop Is For October 18, 2012 205 - 1004
That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam October 25, 2012 206 - 1005
Ferrets, Attack! November 1, 2012 207 - 1006
Avoid The Chinese Mustard November 8, 2012 208 - 1007
Something My Gynecologist Said November 15, 2012 209 - 1008
I Scream When I Pee November 29, 2012 210 - 1009
One Nut Johnson December 6, 2012 211 - 1010
Give Santa a Tail-Hole December 13, 2012 212 - 1011
Welcome to Alancrest January 3, 2013 213 - 1012
Grab A Feather And Get In Line January 10, 2013 214 - 1013
Run, Steven Staven! Run! January 31, 2013 215 - 1014
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It February 7, 2013 216 - 1015
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby February 14, 2013 217 - 1016
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries February 21, 2013 218 - 1017
The 9:04 From Pemberton March 7, 2013 219 - 1018
Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon March 14, 2013 220 - 1019
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show April 4, 2013 221 - 1020
Another Night With Neil Diamond April 25, 2013 222 - 1021
My Bodacious Vidalia May 2, 2013 223 - 1022
Cows, Prepare to be Tipped May 9, 2013 224 - 1023

Season 11: 2013 – 2014

Main article: Season 11
Title Original Airdate #
Nangnangnangnang September 26, 2013 225 - 1101
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball October 3, 2013 226 - 1102
This Unblessed Biscuit October 10, 2013 227 - 1103
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank October 17, 2013 228 - 1104
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 October 24, 2013 229 - 1105
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants November 7, 2013 230 - 1106
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie November 14, 2013 231 - 1107
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. November 21, 2013 232 - 1108
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer December 5, 2013 233 - 1109
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! December 12, 2013 234 - 1110
Tazed In The Lady Nuts January 2, 2014 235 - 1111
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. January 9, 2014 236 - 1112
Bite Me, Supreme Court January 30, 2014 237 - 1113
Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe February 6, 2014 238 - 1114
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin February 27, 2014 239 - 1115
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper March 6, 2014 240 - 1116
Welcome Home, Jake March 13, 2014 241 - 1117
West Side Story April 3, 2014 242 - 1118
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang April 10, 2014 243 - 1119
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia April 24, 2014 244 - 1120
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot May 1, 2014 245 - 1121
Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead May 8, 2014 246 - 1122

Season 12: 2014 – 2015

Main article: Season 12
Title Original Airdate #
The Ol' Mexican Spinach October 30, 2014 247 - 1201
A Chic Bar in Ibiza November 6, 2014 248 - 1202
Glamping in a Yurt November 13, 2014 249 - 1203
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight November 20, 2014 250 - 1204
Oontz, Oontz, Oontz November 27, 2014 251 - 1205
Alan Shot a Little Girl December 4, 2014 252 - 1206
Sex With an Animated Ed Asner December 11, 2014 253 - 1207
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey December 18, 2014 254 - 1208
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey January 8, 2015 255 - 1209
Here I Come, Pants! January 15, 2015 256 - 1210
For Whom the Booty Calls January 22, 2015 257 - 1211
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off January 29, 2015 258 - 1212
Boompa Loved His Hookers February 5, 2015 259 - 1213
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun February 12, 2015 260 - 1214
Of Course He's Dead February 19, 2015 261/262 - 1215/1216

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