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Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
7.12
Season
Episode
12
Airdate
January 11, 2010
Ratings
17.27
Running time
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Production code
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Flashback
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Flash-forward
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Flash sideways
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Ratings
17.27
Written by
Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn, Mark Roberts & Don Foster (story)
Susan Beavers, Eddie Gorodetsky, Jim Patterson & David Richardson (teleplay)
Directed by
Also Starring
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Guest Starring
Special Guest Star(s)
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Uncredited
Previous Episode
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Archive footage
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"Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste" is the 12th episode of Season 7. It originally aired on January 11, 2010.

Plot

Jake's Girlfriend Trouble

Charlie hears Jake trying to write a song for his ex-girlfriend, whom he caused to break up with Jake after encouraging Jake to cheat on her. He tries to help Jake with advice but Jake gets shot down anyway.

Alan and Herb's Friendship

After yet another bad dating experience Alan tries to get Charlie to go out to eat with him, saying he craves human connection. Charlie shoots him down but about that time Herb comes to drop Jake off.

So Alan asks if Herb wants to go grab a bite to eat with him. Herb is nervous at first, but Alan makes a joke that they have something in common: they're both not sleeping with Judith. So Herb agrees and they have a wonderfully dorky time eating at the Mall and telling silly jokes to each other. Then Judith calls, Herb is honest and tells her he's there with Alan. Judith apparently is quite upset by this. Herb tells her they'll talk when they get home. He then asks Alan how work's going but quickly interrupts him and heads home to Judith. They make plans for an outing tomorrow.

But when Alan goes to pick Herb up, Judith meets him at the door and tells him she and Herb have decided the friendship is unnatural. Alan gets angry and goes around the house, calling to Herb and throwing a small rock at the window. A Romeo and Juliet scene then takes place between the two, ending with Herb trying to climb out the window on the rose trellis and falling. Judith comes to the window and demands to know what's happening and Alan takes off, Herb calling for him to take him with him.

Back home, Alan, Jake and Charlie are sitting on the couch in sorrow. Charlie is reminded that it's Sunday and runs off as his girlfriend's coming home. Jake gets a phone call from a girl and takes off. Alan daydreams about Herb before hearing a knock at the door. It's Herb, saying they don't have much time since Judith thinks he's at physical therapy. The show ends on that bromance moment.

Cast

Title quote from

Jake, naming what he loves. Charlie names the first two before Jake names all three.

Quotes

  • Herb: Alan, wait! I'm coming with you!
  • Alan: But how? Be careful, you big galoot.
  • Herb: I'm okay. I'm okay! (creaking) I'm not okay!
  • Alan: Oh, God! Herb, talk to me!
  • Herb: (groans)
  • Judith: What's going on out here?!
  • Herb: Alan, wait! Take me with you!

  • Jake: I miss Celeste.
  • Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
  • Alan: I miss Herb. Uh, I mean, I mean, "Sex and the City." I miss "Sex and the City."
  • Charlie: Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.
  • Alan: I guess that's just what our lives have come down to; three pathetic, lonely guys watching television on a Sunday night.
  • Charlie: Oh, crap, it's Sunday night! Chelsea's flying into LAX!
  • Alan: You're gonna pick her up?
  • Charlie: No, I'm gonna call her a cab and take a Viagra.
  • Alan: Well, buddy, I guess it's you and me.
  • Jake: No disrespect, Dad, but that just makes it worse. I said, "No disrespect." Why doesn't that ever work?(cell phone rings)
  • Jake: Hello. Yeah this is Jake. Oh, hi Nicole. Yeah, I broke up with Celeste. Now? Sure. See ya in a few. I'm gonna go meet Nicole at the pier.
  • Alan: Who's Nicole?
  • Jake: I'm not really sure.

  • Alan: Herb.
  • Herb: We haven't got much time. Judith thinks I'm in physical therapy.
  • Alan: Well, then let's make the most of it.

Trivia

  • Despite her name being in the title, Celeste Burnett does not appear.
  • In the season 7 DVD gag reel, a deleted or alternate scene is shown with Alan heading in the house and Jake preparing to go to Celeste's house with his acoustic guitar strapped on, wearing shorts and a T-shirt. The scene ends with Angus T. Jones bursting in to laughter.
  • This is Tinashe's last appearance on Two and a Half Men.
Two and a Half Men Episodes
Season 1
PilotBig Flappy BastardsGo East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of HellIf I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A NapThe Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A HumpDid You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys?If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually FakeTwenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-fulPhase One, CompleteMerry ThanksgivingAlan Harper, Frontier ChiropractorCamel Filters And PheromonesSarah Like Puny AlanI Can't Afford HyenasRound One To The Hot Crazy ChickThat Was Saliva, AlanAte The Hamburgers, Wearing The HatsAn Old Flame With A New WickI Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember YouHey, I Can Pee Outside In The DarkNo Sniffing, No WowingMy Doctor Has A Cow PuppetJust Like BuffaloCan You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
Back Off, Mary PoppinsEnjoy Those Garlic BallsA Bag Full of JaweaGo Get Mommy's BraBad News from the ClinicThe Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal VigilanceA Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in FontanaFrankenstein and the Horny VillagersYes, MonsignorThe Salmon Under My SweaterLast Chance to See Those TattoosA Lungful of AlanZejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My HairThose Big Pink Things With CoconutsSmell the Umbrella StandCan You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!It Was Mame, MomA Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping NoiseI Always Wanted a Shaved MonkeyA Sympathetic Crotch to Cry OnThat Old Hose Bag Is My MotherSquab, Squab, Squab, Squab, SquabDoes This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic GymnastsPrincipal Gallagher's Lesbian LoverCarpet Burns and a Bite MarkYour Dismissive Attitude Toward BoobsWe Called It Mr. PinkyHi, Mr. Horned OneSleep Tight, Puddin' PopThat Voodoo That I Do DoMadame and Her Special FriendSomething Salted and TwistedSanta's Village of the DamnedThat Special TugHumiliation is a Visual MediumLove Isn't Blind, It's RetardedMy Tongue Is MeatErgo, The Booty CallThe Unfortunate Little SchnauserThe Spit-Covered CobblerGolly Moses, She's a MuffinAlways a Bridesmaid, Never a BurroAnd the Plot MoistensJust Once With Aunt SophieArguments for the QuickieThat Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
Working for CaligulaWho's Vod Kanockers?The Sea is a Harsh MistressA Pot Smoking MonkeyA Live Woman of Proven FertilityApologies for the FrivolityRepeated Blows to His Unformed HeadRelease the DogsCorey's Been Dead for an HourKissing Abraham LincolnWalnuts and DemerolCastrating Sheep in MontanaDon't Worry, Speed RacerThat's Summer Sausage, Not SalamiMy Damn StalkerYoung People Have Phlegm TooI Merely Slept with a CommieIt Never Rains in HootervilleSmooth as a Ken DollAunt Myra Doesn't Pee a LotTucked, Taped and GorgeousMr. McGlue's FeedbagAnteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and MomMedia Room Slash DungeonDum Diddy Dum Diddy DooCity of Great RacksPutting Swim Fins on a CatHelp Daddy Find His ToenailThe Leather Gear Is in the Guest RoomIs There a Mrs. Waffles?Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar LidsKinda Like NecrophiliaMeander to Your DanderA Little Clammy and None Too FreshThe Soil is MoistWinky-Dink TimeRough Night in Hump JunctionLook at Me, Mommy, I'm PrettyFish in a DrawerIf My Hole Could TalkWaiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
Taterhead is Our Love ChildPie Hole, HerbDamn You, Eggs BenedictThe Flavin' and the Mavin'A Jock Strap In HellIt's Always Nazi WeekBest H.O. Money Can BuyPinocchio's MouthThe Mooch At The BooHe Smelled The Ham, He Got ExcitedThe Devil's LubeThank God for ScoliosisI Think You Offended DonDavid Copperfield Slipped Me a RoofieI'd Like to Start with the CatShe'll Still Be Dead at HalftimeThe 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?My Son's Enormous HeadThe Two Finger RuleHello, I am Alan CousteauAbove Exalted CyclopsSir Lancelot's Litter BoxGood Morning, Mrs. ButterworthBaseball Was Better With Steroids
Season 7
818-jklpuzoWhipped Unto The Third GenerationMmm, fish. Yum.Laxative Tester, Horse InseminatorFor The Sake of The ChildGive Me Your ThumbUntainted by FilthGorp. Fnark. Schmegle.Captain Terry's Spray-On HairThat's Why They Call It "Ball Room"Warning, It's DirtyFart Jokes, Pie and CelesteYay, No Polyps!Crude and Uncalled ForAye, Aye, Captain DoucheTinkle Like a PrincessI Found Your MoustacheIxnay On The Oggie DayKeith Moon Is Vomiting In His GraveI Called Him MagooGumby with a PokeyThis Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named BudA Bottle of Wine and a JackhammerA Pudding-Filled CactusHookers, Hookers, HookersThe Immortal Mr. Billy JoelTwanging Your Magic ClangerThe Crazy Bitch GazetteSpringtime on a StickA Good Time in Central AfricaOw, Ow, Don't StopDead from the Waist DownChocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's DeadSkunk, Dog Crap and KetchupLookin' for Japanese SubsThree Hookers and a Philly CheesesteakThat Darn Priest
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden SchmidtPeople Who Love PeepholesBig Girls Don't Throw FoodNine Magic FingersA Giant Cat Holding a ChurroThe Squat and the HoverThose Fancy Japanese ToiletsThank You For The IntercourseFrodo's HeadshotsA Fishbowl Full of Glass EyesWhat A Lovely Landing StripOne False Move, Zimbabwe!Slowly and In A Circular FashionA Possum on ChemoThe Duchess of Dull-in-SackSips, Sonnets and SodomyNot In My Mouth!The War Against GingivitisPalmdale, EchGrandma's PieMr. Hose Says "Yes"Why We Gave Up WomenThe Straw In My Donut HoleOh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the MilkA Big Bag of DogFour Balls, Two Bats and One MittYou Do Know What The Lollipop Is ForThat's Not What They Call It In AmsterdamFerrets, Attack!Avoid The Chinese MustardSomething My Gynecologist SaidI Scream When I PeeOne Nut JohnsonGive Santa a Tail-HoleWelcome to AlancrestGrab A Feather And Get In LineRun, Steven Staven! Run!Paint It, Pierce It or Plug ItAdvantage: Fat, Flying BabyThrogwarten Middle School MysteriesThe 9:04 From PembertonBig Episode. Someone Stole A SpoonBazinga! That's From a TV ShowAnother Night With Neil DiamondMy Bodacious VidaliaCows, Prepare to be Tipped
Season 11
NangnangnangnangI Think I Banged Lucille BallThis Unblessed BiscuitClank, Clank, Drunken SkankAlan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003Justice in Star-Spangled Hot PantsSome Kind of Lesbian ZombieMr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.Numero Uno Accidente LawyerOn Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!Tazed In The Lady NutsBaseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.Bite Me, Supreme CourtThree Fingers of Crème de MentheCab Fare and a Bottle of PenicillinHow to Get Rid of Alan HarperWelcome Home, JakeWest Side StoryLan Mao Shi Zai Wuding ShangLotta Delis in Little ArmeniaDial 1-900-Mix-A-LotOh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
The Ol' Mexican SpinachA Chic Bar in IbizaGlamping in a YurtThirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-EightOontz, Oontz, OontzAlan Shot a Little GirlSex With an Animated Ed AsnerFamily, Bublé, Deep-Fried TurkeyBouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, LyndseyHere I Come, Pants!For Whom the Booty CallsA Beer-Battered Rip-OffBoompa Loved His HookersDon't Give a Monkey a GunOf Course He's Dead

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