Back Off, Mary Poppins
September 20, 2004
Chuck Lorre (story)
Lee Aronsohn & Susan Beavers (teleplay)
Back Off, Mary Poppins is the second season premiere of Two and a Half Men. It aired on September 20, 2004.
Alan learns that Charlie is a member of an exclusive group for men, and tries to find ways to join.
Alan learns that Charlie belongs to an exclusive men's group (consisting of guest stars Elvis Costello, Sean Penn, Harry Dean Stanton and Bobby Cooper as his bookie) and he begs his brother to let him join. When Charlie doesn't, Alan tries to contact his old friends, but discovers that Judith befriended them and turned almost all of them against him. Eventually, Charlie lets Alan in to his group, but Alan begins to irritate everyone and ends up getting himself tied to a streetlamp.
Elvis Costello: You know, Sean never speaks about his siblings.
Sean Penn: Back off, Mary Poppins! You're workin' on my last nerve.
Harry Dean Stanton: [to Charlie] Let me tell you something about... "relevant". The root of the word "relevant" is "rel", which is also the root of the word "relative". You brother is your "relative", ergo, your brother is "relevant". Another "rel" word is "relapse" but I'll wait my turn.
Rose: Believe me, Alan. I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie. And I've found that the only way to get through it, is to just love him more. That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom, and try on his underwear.
Elvis Costello: [while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down] Shopping list. Just a shopping list.
Jake: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose. But you can't pick your friend's nose. You know why that's funny? Cause it's true.
Charlie: Alright, are you gonna come back inside or do I have to drag you in by your big flappy monkey ears ?
Rose: Listen to him, Alan, he's begging.
Alan: No thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy chatting out here with Rose.
Charlie: Okay. I tried to be the loving brother. You sulky little weasel.
Rose: That really wasn't necessary, Alan.
Alan: Yes it was. You're my friend and friends don't just abandon friends because something better comes along.
Rose: Oh. Well, then this might sting a bit. I have something else to do and I'm pretty sure it's better.
Title quotation from
Sean Penn, to Elvis Costello, about Elvis saying Sean never speaks about his siblings.
Two and a Half Men
Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
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