Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
Susan Beavers & Don Foster (teleplay)
Lee Aronsohn & Chuck Lorre (story)
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro is the 20th episode of Season 3. It originally aired on April 24, 2006.
Charlie and Judith get involved with Kandi's family romantically.
Alan tries to win Kandi back. Meanwhile, Charlie starts to sleep with Kandi's mom,
Mandi, and Judith gets set up with Kandi's father, Andy, and Kandi moves with Judith. Eventually, Alan and Kandi reconcile in Judith's jacuzzi, where they end up with Judith and Andi. Judith drives Alan and Andi out and kicks even Kandi out of the house. Charlie and Mandi are seen occupying the jacuzzi now.
Andi: Excuse me. Is this Judith Harper's house?
Alan: Yeah. She traded it for her youth.
Kandi: Hi, Daddy!
Andi: Hi, sweetheart!
Kandi: Come on in. Judith can't wait to meet you.
Andi: I can't wait to meet her.
Kandi: I know you two are gonna love each other.
Kandi: So, how'd it go with Kandi?
Alan: If it had gone well, do you think I'd be sitting here talking to two half-naked people?
Charlie: I'm completely naked.
Mandi: What happnened, Alan?
Alan: Well, as I suspected, Judith has turned your daughter against me.
Kandi: Well, I'm not surprised. Kandi's always been very suggestible. You know, until she was eight. she thought this was her nose.
Charlie: Aw, that's kind of cute. When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about than him.
Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to resident events...
Charlie: Ooh, oh. remember when I told you cat litter box was filled with almarokin. He ate four of them.
Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?Because I actually have something to talk about.
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was interrupting you.
Mandi: Go ahead, Alan.
Alan: Thank you. So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.
Alan: I guess.
Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andi and Kandi?
Mandi: What's your point?
Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andi, Kandi. Dandy.
Alan: Anyway, it appears as if Kandi has set mt ex-wife up on a blind date with him.
Mandi: How nice.
Alan: Nice? How is that nice?
Kandi: Well, he's been kind of depressed since we broke up. It's good to see he's getting back on the horse.
Alan: But that horse is my ex-wife!
Charlie: Speaking of which, did you see The Bride and the Burro in Tijuanna?
Mandi: See it? I caught the bouquet.
Charlie: (Chuckles) So did Alan. (sighs) Always a bridesmaid, never a burre.
Mandi: Charlie, I'm starting to lone feeling in my arm.
Charlie: Oh, I'm--I'm sorry. Hey, you went pretty far in the Scouts. Can you undo this knot?
Alan: Gee, actually, I specialized in Indian lore... beaded belts, arrowheads. But good luck, though.
Mandi: Maybe you should go get a pair of scissors.
Charlie: Hang on. Let me untie my feet. (clears throat) We really didn't think this through, did we?
Berta: How do you know Kandi?
Mandi: She's my daughter.
Alan: I'm sorry.
Kandi: No, I'm sorry.
Alan: I missed you so much.
Kandi: I missed you, too, Huggy Bear. Mom, I'm gonna go have sex with Alan, okay?
Mandi: You kids have fun.
Charlie: So, should we head back to my place?
Mandi: I suppose.
Charlie: I'm guessing that's your ex-husband.
Charlie: Good-looking man.
Mandi: Oh, he's gorgeous. Dumb as wood.
Judith: Oh, my lord!
Mandi: But it's good wood.
Charlie: I better find Alan so we can get out of here.
Mandi: You want to leave? This is so hot.
Charlie: Oh, Mandi, you just keep getting better and better. Hang on while I give Alan a heads up.
Mandi: Hurry back and give me one.
Charlie: Alan? (knocks) Alan?
Judith: You are the most beautiful man I ever ever seen.
Charlie: Not Alan. I couldn't find him... Mandi? Mandi?
Andy: You know what else I like? Swap meats.
Alan: Your ex-husband must be a real little guy, huh?
Judith: Forget about him. Let's get some wine in you.
Judith: Glasses are in there. No, no, top shelf. That's what I'm talking about.
Andi: Do you ever do rock climbing? It's a great workout.
Charlie: Mandi? Mandi? Alan? Anybody?
Mandi: Over here.
Charlie: Oh, damn it! What are you doing?
Mandi: I was thirsty.
Charlie: Have you seen Alan?
Mandi: I've been in the closet.
Charlie: So where the hell is he?
Andi: I'm sorry. I;m so nervous. I haven't been with another woman in a long time.
Judith: Yeah, yeah. Take off your robe.
Alan Harper: I said. I was sorry.
Judith: Just get out!
Andi: I'll give you a call, Judith. Maybe we'll hit some garage sales.
Judith: Yeah, terrific.
Alan: I like your daughter.
Andi: I like your ex-wife.
Alan: Want to get a drink?
Andi: I'm not doing anything. Do you like garage sales?
Title quotation from
Charlie, to Alan, about a X-rated show, while in bed with Mandi.
Two and a Half Men
Pilot • Big Flappy Bastards • Go East On Sunset Until You Reach The Gates Of Hell • If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap • The Last Thing You Want To Do Is Wind Up With A Hump • Did You Check With The Captain Of The Flying Monkeys? • If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake • Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without A Snoot-ful • Phase One, Complete • Merry Thanksgiving • Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor • Camel Filters And Pheromones • Sarah Like Puny Alan • I Can't Afford Hyenas • Round One To The Hot Crazy Chick • That Was Saliva, Alan • Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats • An Old Flame With A New Wick • I Remember The Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You • Hey, I Can Pee Outside In The Dark • No Sniffing, No Wowing • My Doctor Has A Cow Puppet • Just Like Buffalo • Can You Feel My Finger?
Back Off, Mary Poppins • Enjoy Those Garlic Balls • A Bag Full of Jawea • Go Get Mommy's Bra • Bad News from the Clinic • The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance • A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana • Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers • Yes, Monsignor • The Salmon Under My Sweater • Last Chance to See Those Tattoos • A Lungful of Alan • Zejdz z Moich Wlosów a.k.a. Get Off My Hair • Those Big Pink Things With Coconuts • Smell the Umbrella Stand • Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth? • Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam! • It Was Mame, Mom • A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise • I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey • A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On • That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother • Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab • Does This Smell Funny to You?
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts • Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover • Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark • Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs • We Called It Mr. Pinky • Hi, Mr. Horned One • Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop • That Voodoo That I Do Do • Madame and Her Special Friend • Something Salted and Twisted • Santa's Village of the Damned • That Special Tug • Humiliation is a Visual Medium • Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded • My Tongue Is Meat • Ergo, The Booty Call • The Unfortunate Little Schnauser • The Spit-Covered Cobbler • Golly Moses, She's a Muffin • Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro • And the Plot Moistens • Just Once With Aunt Sophie • Arguments for the Quickie • That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Working for Caligula • Who's Vod Kanockers? • The Sea is a Harsh Mistress • A Pot Smoking Monkey • A Live Woman of Proven Fertility • Apologies for the Frivolity • Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head • Release the Dogs • Corey's Been Dead for an Hour • Kissing Abraham Lincoln • Walnuts and Demerol • Castrating Sheep in Montana • Don't Worry, Speed Racer • That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami • My Damn Stalker • Young People Have Phlegm Too • I Merely Slept with a Commie • It Never Rains in Hooterville • Smooth as a Ken Doll • Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot • Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous • Mr. McGlue's Feedbag • Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin' • Prostitutes and Gelato
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom • Media Room Slash Dungeon • Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo • City of Great Racks • Putting Swim Fins on a Cat • Help Daddy Find His Toenail • The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room • Is There a Mrs. Waffles? • Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids • Kinda Like Necrophilia • Meander to Your Dander • A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh • The Soil is Moist • Winky-Dink Time • Rough Night in Hump Junction • Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty • Fish in a Drawer • If My Hole Could Talk • Waiting for the Right Snapper
Taterhead is Our Love Child • Pie Hole, Herb • Damn You, Eggs Benedict • The Flavin' and the Mavin' • A Jock Strap In Hell • It's Always Nazi Week • Best H.O. Money Can Buy • Pinocchio's Mouth • The Mooch At The Boo • He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited • The Devil's Lube • Thank God for Scoliosis • I Think You Offended Don • David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie • I'd Like to Start with the Cat • She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime • The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? • My Son's Enormous Head • The Two Finger Rule • Hello, I am Alan Cousteau • Above Exalted Cyclops • Sir Lancelot's Litter Box • Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth • Baseball Was Better With Steroids
818-jklpuzo • Whipped Unto The Third Generation • Mmm, fish. Yum. • Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator • For The Sake of The Child • Give Me Your Thumb • Untainted by Filth • Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle. • Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair • That's Why They Call It "Ball Room" • Warning, It's Dirty • Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste • Yay, No Polyps! • Crude and Uncalled For • Aye, Aye, Captain Douche • Tinkle Like a Princess • I Found Your Moustache • Ixnay On The Oggie Day • Keith Moon Is Vomiting In His Grave • I Called Him Magoo • Gumby with a Pokey • This Is Not Gonna End Well
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud • A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer • A Pudding-Filled Cactus • Hookers, Hookers, Hookers • The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel • Twanging Your Magic Clanger • The Crazy Bitch Gazette • Springtime on a Stick • A Good Time in Central Africa • Ow, Ow, Don't Stop • Dead from the Waist Down • Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead • Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup • Lookin' for Japanese Subs • Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak • That Darn Priest
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt • People Who Love Peepholes • Big Girls Don't Throw Food • Nine Magic Fingers • A Giant Cat Holding a Churro • The Squat and the Hover • Those Fancy Japanese Toilets • Thank You For The Intercourse • Frodo's Headshots • A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes • What A Lovely Landing Strip • One False Move, Zimbabwe! • Slowly and In A Circular Fashion • A Possum on Chemo • The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack • Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy • Not In My Mouth! • The War Against Gingivitis • Palmdale, Ech • Grandma's Pie • Mr. Hose Says "Yes" • Why We Gave Up Women • The Straw In My Donut Hole • Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
I Changed My Mind About the Milk • A Big Bag of Dog • Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt • You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For • That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam • Ferrets, Attack! • Avoid The Chinese Mustard • Something My Gynecologist Said • I Scream When I Pee • One Nut Johnson • Give Santa a Tail-Hole • Welcome to Alancrest • Grab A Feather And Get In Line • Run, Steven Staven! Run! • Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It • Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby • Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries • The 9:04 From Pemberton • Big Episode. Someone Stole A Spoon • Bazinga! That's From a TV Show • Another Night With Neil Diamond • My Bodacious Vidalia • Cows, Prepare to be Tipped
Nangnangnangnang • I Think I Banged Lucille Ball • This Unblessed Biscuit • Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank • Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 • Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants • Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie • Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room. • Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer • On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer! • Tazed In The Lady Nuts • Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball. • Bite Me, Supreme Court • Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe • Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin • How to Get Rid of Alan Harper • Welcome Home, Jake • West Side Story • Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang • Lotta Delis in Little Armenia • Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot • Oh, Wald-e, Good Times Ahead
The Ol' Mexican Spinach • A Chic Bar in Ibiza • Glamping in a Yurt • Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight • Oontz, Oontz, Oontz • Alan Shot a Little Girl • Sex With an Animated Ed Asner • Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey • Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey • Here I Come, Pants! • For Whom the Booty Calls • A Beer-Battered Rip-Off • Boompa Loved His Hookers • Don't Give a Monkey a Gun • Of Course He's Dead