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A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

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A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
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Season
Episode
5
Airdate
October 16, 2006
Ratings
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Production code
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Flashback
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Ratings
Written by
Don Foster & Susan Beavers
Directed by
Also Starring
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Co-Starring
Uncredited
Previous Episode
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Archive footage
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A Live Woman of Proven Fertility is the 5th episode of Season 4. It originally aired on October 16, 2006.

Summary

When Judith announces she is going to remarry to Herb, Charlie and Alan must convince her fiancé to proceed with the nuptials after he displays signs of cold feet, so that Alan can discontinue alimony payments to Judith.

Plot

Alan has hit rock bottom: with two alimony drains beyond his modest means, he must practically beg Charlie for a meal, so it sounds like heaven when Judith announces she's about to marry the kid's pediatrician, Dr. Herb Melnick. Jake is trough with Melnick, even took a bus across L.A. to run back to Charlie's house and Judith wants to wait till the boy gets used to the idea, which according to him is never, so Alan points out a real doc's superior milking cow potential. Herb is not so easily convinced to become a husband and stepfather, until Charlie invents a drinking game: the trio even plans his bachelor party at Charlie's beach-house.

Cast

Title quotation from

Alan, to Herb, describing Judith.

Quotes

  • Jake: Hey, Dad.
  • Alan: What are you doing here? And how'd you get in?
  • Jake: Rose let me in.
  • Rose: Hey, guys. How was dinner?
  • Charlie: Forget dinner. What are you doing here?
  • Rose: Keeping Jake company.
  • Charlie: But if you let him in, you had to have been before him.
  • Rose: Well, yeah. But if Jake hadn't shown up, I'd be gone now, and you'd never know I was here.
  • Charlie: So what, you just waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out?
  • Rose: That's not true. Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.
  • Alan: Wait a minute. Let's go back here. Jake, why aren't you at your mother's?
  • Jake: I ran away.
  • Rose: Sometmes you're in the shower.
  • Alan: Rose, please. Why did you run away?
  • Jake: Because I hate it there.

  • Alan: You know, I am a little surprised at you. I would think you would want your mom to be happy.
  • Jake: Hey, she can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretendind he's my dad.
  • Alan: Oh, why not?
  • Jake: 'Cause I already have a dad.
  • Charlie: And he's already a jerk.
  • Alan: All right, buddy. I'm going to have to tell you something pretty heavy. But I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
  • Charlie: Way better.
  • Alan: Did you know that I'm not even a real doctor, but Dr. Melnick is.
  • Jake: So what?
  • Alan: "So what"? Are you kidding? He makes more money than I do. He can buy you better presents than I can.
  • Charlie: And don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
  • Alan: Charlie.
  • Charlie: You know, if someone gets sick. Or bored.
  • Jake: But I only need one dad.
  • Alan: And you'll only have one dad, but there's nothing that says you can't call him "Dad" and me "Alan." We'll still know who's who.
  • Charlie: I'm getting a little misty.
  • Jake: Forget it, I'm never going to like him.
  • Charlie: May I suggest you try a more... shall we say, practical approach?
  • Alan: Jake, how much does your mom give you for allowance?
  • Jake: Ten dollars a week.
  • Alan: Okay... Uh, I'm going to write down some figures here, and you tell me to stop when you see a number that makes you feel a little warmer toward Dr. Melnick.

  • Judith: I was so worried about you. Don't you ever do that again.
  • Herb: Thanks for bringing him back.
  • Charlie: No problem.
  • Alan: Jake, isn't there something you want to say?

  • Alan: That's blackmailing.
  • Charlie: So?
  • Alan: I like it.
  • Charlie: Hey, Herb. Attaboy. You dumb bastard.

  • Alan: Why is she calling me this hour. Hello? Of course, it's me. Who are you expecting? Oh, my God. This is Herb's phone.

  • Alan: That was close.
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